I've decided to start writing again. Most of you know I'm not a very open person, but I've always been good at writing down my thoughts. That's because I'm not very good at thinking before speaking, but I can reread and edit my writing before I publish. It's also nice (and a little embarrassing) to be able to go back and read my thoughts years later. I had my first panic attack in years this weekend, so I thought it would be a good idea to start letting it out again.
Part 2: "Remember, you can't reach what's in front of you until you let go of what's behind you."
I understand many have gathered this through social media stalking already, but for those who haven't heard/seen, my long-term, long-distance relationship has ended this year. I do not feel the need to go into details with everyone, but I do feel the need to finally admit to my public media that it is over. I've been holding it in for many, many reasons. But I'm ready to reach for what's in front of me.
Part 3: "You'll never get what you truly desire if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."
Some of you may also have noticed that it appears I am talking to someone else. To answer and settle all rumors: yes, I am. Sounds like I have it easy, right? Sure... Except that after 5 years, I never thought I would have to date, court, and get to know someone again. What many people don't realize is, I have stepped out of my comfort zone...big time. As exciting as this can be, it is also extremely terrifying. At the end of the day, at the beginning of every relationship I partake in, I have always known what I truly desired: a mutually loving companionship in which two people motivate each other to become better people and show each other the potential they don't yet see in themselves. I've found that.
Part 4: "The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."
It took me a very, very, very long time to make the decision that was best for me. For a long time, I thought that if I chose to end this relationship, that I would be perceived as selfish. Then I realized, I don't need people's approval for MY relationship choices. The more I embraced this, the more confident and sure I was in my decision. I can't describe how life changing this mentality is. I have spent my entire life trying to make other people happy...and for once, I am making myself happy. It makes it so much easier to make others happy this way.
Part 5: "If I can love the wrong person this much, think of how much more I could love the right one."
I'm sure from the surface, it looks as though I ended things abruptly and coldly. I won't try to convince anyone, but I will state that I still care deeply about my ex. I don't know if I made the right decision or not, and I won't know until it's too late. I may have made a huge mistake, for all I know. But in this moment, I did what was right for me, right now. And if I find that I made the right choice, imagine how much I could love the right person.
Part 6: "Some people say you are going the wrong way, when it's simply a way of your own." (Angelina Jolie)
I appreciate everyone who has been there for me through this new transition and chapter in my life. I appreciate everyone who has been there for my ex in this very difficult time. I appreciate Brian for seeing the good I've always seen in myself and helping me embrace that good. I am finally proud of myself...not just my accomplishments in academia and success in my career, but of my altruistic character. With all of that being said, I am ready to move forward and see where this way takes me. For good or for bad, I have made my decision and I am committing to it.
To conclude, from the words of Doe Zantamata: "Decisions. We can think about things, turn them over in our minds a million times, play out possible scenarios, but really when it comes down to it, you have to go with your heart and move forward. Maybe things will go well. Maybe they'll turn out poorly. Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that's for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they'd just had the courage to leap."
Here's to my leap of faith. Here's to going with my heart and moving forward.
Until next time. Christine.
