A Little Vent and a Little Brag

Random, but when I grew up I used to always say, "Save the best for last." So I've always been a "bad news first, good news last" kind of person. I'm pretty much going to be the same way with my blogs, so I just wanted to give a heads up that I'm going to vent some negativity first, and then brag some positives after.

My vent is about step-parenting. It is by far, hands down, 100%, indisputably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And the thing is, it's not even done or over yet, and it's only going to get worse (maybe). Step-parenting with my partner is not at all difficult. It's had some trying moments, but they were totally awesome learning experiences and helped reaffirm that we could parent together, and therefore secure the idea that we could raise a family together one day. The difficult part of step-parenting is co-parenting with the other biological parent.

I'm not here to bash or trash in any way. All I can really speak on is how it makes things infinitely more difficult when there is little-to-no communication, a lot of superiority, and clear divide of ideals. I was recently "threatened" with the oh-so-high-school "you and I will have problems" over a parenting choice that was agreed upon by my partner and I. And all I could say (per Facebook) was:

"Here's the thing about people making threats to me: Everything I do has a purpose and intention. Everything I do is backed with reasonable evidence and palpable results. Everything I do is to improve the well-being of me and those I love. And most importantly, everything I do is done with love and integrity, no matter how easy it would be to react impulsively and bitterly.

So, because I do things the way I do, I am not afraid. You can't be afraid when you didn't do anything wrong. Actions > words."

I wanted to vent that, but I also wanted to use this as an opportunity to transition into a brag. I have grown so much from this experience, as frustrating as it can be. I usually wake up the next day after ridiculous, unnecessary confrontations by cowering in self-doubt, insecurities, and retreat. This morning, I woke up happy, content, secure, and grounded. I was confident that I had done nothing wrong, and I regret nothing. I'm already looking forward to my next steps. THAT'S GROWTH!

I also wanted to brag that my hard work continues to pay off. I know it's been a while since I last updated, but in the last 2 years so much has blessed me. I got a new job this year that I LOVE. And merely 7 months later, yesterday, I was promoted. My business started a few months ago and I have been met with nothing but success. My future plans are becoming a reality. I couldn't be more happy with my life right now. I look forward to what's to come!

December 2, 2015: The Day San Bernardino was Placed on the Map

First of all, I'd like to start this off by saying this is my first major post of this nature in almost exactly 3 years. It took me some MAJOR searching to find that out, but the reason I need to emphasize how long it's been since I stopped is because those posts caused conflict, dispute, arguments, and tension. I was tired of Facebook tearing apart friendships that third parties could publicly read and/or comment on. I resolved to only post personal status updates, pictures, and share other posts I found amusing or interesting.

In lieu of recent events in my hometown, I have decided to write this despite my strong feelings against posts that may spark ANY type of controversial tangents and/or implications. I spent all day resisting the urge, but as many locals have said, this hit too close to home. There are many perspectives I wish to speak from and address, but I will try to keep this as short as possible.

After 25 years of growing up in the Dino, I am fully aware that San Bernardino is no stranger to violence. We are immune to the sound of sirens and gunshots. We are un-phased by stories of murder, assault, and rape. We leave our homes with precaution and walk defensively. News of a shooting is not uncommon.

What I don't want is for these constant acts of horror to desensitize us and become normalized. In my studies, I learned that grieving and mourning are not only natural reactions to tragedy, but HEALTHY and NECESSARY emotions to overcome such events. As a nation, a society, and humanity as a whole, we no longer grieve these horrendous acts of violence.

Mere hours after the tragedy, people all over social media were starting arguments about gun control, mental health, religion, terrorism, and much more. I say arguments because discussions are civilized, but I saw a lot of attacking and bashing. Did we take the time to mourn the fact that innocent lives were taken? No. Did we take the time to grieve for the families that lost loved ones? No. Instead, we tried to find something to blame. We tried to find reasons to be mad at people.

As many of you know, I work with young children. It is my job, or rather, my calling, to help guide these children. I take it very personally that I get to help raise them to be nurturing, loving, caring, responsible, and accountable children so that they may become so as adults. I help them resolve conflicts, and express themselves in a positive and effective way. I help lay a foundation for a future that may one day be tolerant and accepting of diversity. I'm not here to tell you whether I'm for or against gun control, I'm not here to tell you whether prayer is working or not. I'm here to simply say I am sad. I am sad for my city, I am sad for my loved one's loved ones. I am sad for the 14 lost, and the infinite people they have touched and left behind.

I know it's harder to change the set ways of adults and even technology-raised teenagers... But it is my hope that one day, we could all stop pointing out our differences in, simply put, opinions, and unite in our innate similarities. We all want to live a SAFE and HAPPY life. We all want our loved ones to live the same SAFE and HAPPY life. Let us save our debates and difference of opinions for ballots. A tragedy like this is not an appropriate time to show that we are divided. When people see a divided community, they see weakness. We have given these killers more of what they've wanted...more of what they've already seen in us.  Isn't it time to show that we can come together? What better time to come together, than now as a community? As a society? For humanity? If not now, when? If ever...

"Failure to plan is planning to fail."

My mind is bustling with all the new ideas and plans I'm making.

1. Education

So as it turns out, last semester was NOT my last semester at SBVC. I was only taking classes to get my Master Teacher permit, without realizing that for me, the same requirements for the Master Teacher permit also qualified me for a Site Supervisor permit. I ended up getting my Site Supervisor permit and a site supervisor position within the same month over the summer, so I decided to go ahead and take the few extra classes to upgrade to a Program Director permit.

Seems like my goal of becoming a child therapist is being pushed further and further away into the future... But that's okay. I stumbled upon something I like, and something I'm good at. I'm anxious-excited to see where this will take me.

2. Work

I have started a new position as a Site Director for a before- and after-school program serving elementary students grades K-5. It is definitely way different than being a teacher, but I'm glad I took this opportunity. Since becoming a teacher in 2012, I have always been told to try different positions and grades to see where my true passion and skills lie. This new position is definitely helping me see that I have talents in many areas, but also makes me realize the difference between talent and passion. As always, I am committing myself to at least one full year in this position, not just for my permit requirement, but for the experience.

After a few more months, I will write a more thorough post on my stance on this position. As for now, all I can say is it is way different. There's a different sense of responsibility and a far less personal connection with each individual child. However, I know that will change in a couple of weeks as I am becoming more comfortable in my new role. And as always, my tactfulness with parents have never been better. I am quickly building rapport with each family I serve.

3. Faith

A new year of Confirmation is just a few weeks away, and the planning process for the new year has begun. This year, the program is growing and so is the Core Team. I am handing off many of my responsibilities as the Program Coordinator to my new assistants (yes, I have assistants finally!). I am anxious to get the year started to see what other positive changes we can make this year. 3 years ago when I came back to be a catechist, I had no idea we would be where we're at today. I have to say I am proud of what I was able to do for the program, but even more so proud of the team that made this vision possible.

Just so everyone knows, a self-sustaining VOLUNTEER program in a low-income community IS possible. All it takes is the right organizational leadership, encouragement, and team-building. I am so proud of the youth of Our Lady of Hope and San Bernardino. Change is possible.

Until next time. Christine.

"People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention."

I used to always ask people what they thought of me, or how they felt about me. Sure, I may have asked it before. And sure, you may have answered it before... But for some reason, I always had to hear it again. I told myself I needed reassurance. I told myself "it's just nice to hear."

I have come to learn that while it is true that insecurity is what makes me ask for reassurance, it's also insecurity that makes me RELY on reassurance. I couldn't function if I didn't know that I was a "good" teacher, or that I was "loved," or any of the other hundreds of things I constantly asked for affirmation on.

In the past few months, I have been working on SELF-AFFIRMATION.
     Self (n): one's own.
     Affirmation (n): the act of stating or asserting positively.
     Self-affirmation (n): the act of stating or asserting positively one's own.

I'm at a point now where I don't need to ask anyone if I'm a good person--because I am. I'm paying attention to how others show me they feel about me. I'm finally starting to not care about what others think...at least not as much. Typically, I would start listing ways I don't care here to "prove" it to my readers, but I guess you'll just have to take my word for it now. It's just a start, and there's so much more to go. So I leave you with:

"The more you learn to love your decisions, the less you need others to."

New Chapter: The Truth Will Set You Free, But First it Will Piss You Off

Part 1: "Sometimes you can hurt yourself more than anyone can hurt you just by keeping all your feelings hidden."

I've decided to start writing again. Most of you know I'm not a very open person, but I've always been good at writing down my thoughts. That's because I'm not very good at thinking before speaking, but I can reread and edit my writing before I publish. It's also nice (and a little embarrassing) to be able to go back and read my thoughts years later. I had my first panic attack in years this weekend, so I thought it would be a good idea to start letting it out again.

Part 2: "Remember, you can't reach what's in front of you until you let go of what's behind you."

I understand many have gathered this through social media stalking already, but for those who haven't heard/seen, my long-term, long-distance relationship has ended this year. I do not feel the need to go into details with everyone, but I do feel the need to finally admit to my public media that it is over. I've been holding it in for many, many reasons. But I'm ready to reach for what's in front of me.

Part 3: "You'll never get what you truly desire if you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go of."

Some of you may also have noticed that it appears I am talking to someone else. To answer and settle all rumors: yes, I am. Sounds like I have it easy, right? Sure... Except that after 5 years, I never thought I would have to date, court, and get to know someone again. What many people don't realize is, I have stepped out of my comfort zone...big time. As exciting as this can be, it is also extremely terrifying. At the end of the day, at the beginning of every relationship I partake in, I have always known what I truly desired: a mutually loving companionship in which two people motivate each other to become better people and show each other the potential they don't yet see in themselves. I've found that.

Part 4: "The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."

It took me a very, very, very long time to make the decision that was best for me. For a long time, I thought that if I chose to end this relationship, that I would be perceived as selfish. Then I realized, I don't need people's approval for MY relationship choices. The more I embraced this, the more confident and sure I was in my decision. I can't describe how life changing this mentality is. I have spent my entire life trying to make other people happy...and for once, I am making myself happy. It makes it so much easier to make others happy this way.

Part 5: "If I can love the wrong person this much, think of how much more I could love the right one."

I'm sure from the surface, it looks as though I ended things abruptly and coldly. I won't try to convince anyone, but I will state that I still care deeply about my ex. I don't know if I made the right decision or not, and I won't know until it's too late. I may have made a huge mistake, for all I know. But in this moment, I did what was right for me, right now. And if I find that I made the right choice, imagine how much I could love the right person.

Part 6: "Some people say you are going the wrong way, when it's simply a way of your own." (Angelina Jolie)

I appreciate everyone who has been there for me through this new transition and chapter in my life. I appreciate everyone who has been there for my ex in this very difficult time. I appreciate Brian for seeing the good I've always seen in myself and helping me embrace that good. I am finally proud of myself...not just my accomplishments in academia and success in my career, but of my altruistic character. With all of that being said, I am ready to move forward and see where this way takes me. For good or for bad, I have made my decision and I am committing to it.

To conclude, from the words of Doe Zantamata: "Decisions. We can think about things, turn them over in our minds a million times, play out possible scenarios, but really when it comes down to it, you have to go with your heart and move forward. Maybe things will go well. Maybe they'll turn out poorly. Every decision brings with it some good, some bad, some lessons, and some luck. The only thing that's for sure is that indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they'd just had the courage to leap."

Here's to my leap of faith. Here's to going with my heart and moving forward.
Until next time. Christine.